I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i would punch a child for taco bell
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
he was CRYING into my vagina
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
