Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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