What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
