Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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