Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
