please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
