I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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