you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
