his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
