I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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