oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
