there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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