Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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