omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
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I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet