There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
