They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
