just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
