well I can't set my house on fire every night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
