I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
