you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
