Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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