I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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