Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
