I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
