yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
