I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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