I didn't shave. On purpose
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just high enough for therapy.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
