why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
