I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Randomize
