i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
