Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
