I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
