The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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