I met the friendliest cop last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
