Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
