Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
