I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
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It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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