she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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