I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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