I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize