Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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