How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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