DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
