WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
