I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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