I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
