I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
