I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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