just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
