Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
