Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
