remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
