There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I touched a dick in church today
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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