Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
