so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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