So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
well you can't waste a boner
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
