In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
