we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
