There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
